life and its general way it tries to fuck me
i post this knowing that no one will ever stumble across this but maybe a select few who i deem should read the innermost thoughts of myself. Once again my life and the events surrounding it do not make sense. How could it be that I told myself I am happy and then something happens to make me question,wonder, and at the same time doubt myself. Have you ever had a dream and thats just its a dream. Something you cant have but at the same time if you could have it well you dont know what your life would be like. Or do you realize that people are really just out to satisfy themselves or only think about themselves. Or are they just so self-centered that they think they are hot shit? Or are they really being genuninely nice and sincere. You never know. You can never actually interpret someone. Well maybe you can. Hell I dont think I can though. I have for a long time wondered how long I would stay here. I think I can stay the long haul, but then again something comes around and kind of pokes me and says “can you really?” Do I want to settle down or do I want to run away? Could I find someone to run away with or do I need to run away alone and just not resurface for a while. Its like sometimes I have a doomsday clock going off in my head. Like I counting down to boring. I know that sounds bad, but once it happens it is just one more step towards non-freedom. One more step towards massive committment and becoming domesticated. I wonder how I will really will feel? Oh well much more from my wandering mind. Probably as early as in the next 24 hours b/c there will be much rejoicing and playing tomorrow night and then the next.
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