rambling

not sure where this post is going.  However I am going to just type and express how I feel at the moment.  I have come to realize that I am starting to seen as a positive and friendly person. My new job i am the “nice guy” its kind of funny b/c at my last job i was considered the “asshole”….but i have started to buy into the power of positive thought.  I am starting to believe that as long as i stay confident and positive good things will happen.  Positive is the easy part but confidence is the hard part.  My confidence level should be higher but because of past experiences it is very low.  Now how can I fix this? Not really sure but at least I am being positive.  I have also come to realize that being nice makes people attracted to you. Maybe not the way I ultimately want them to be attracted to me but at least is is a positive response. 

Ok so new topic.  why are women so confusing?  in general i have made an attempt to be as nice as possible to each and every woman i have come in contact with and it seems to be a very promising outcome with most of them.  I do say however that women seem to appreciate the nice guy but keep him around b/c he is safe and they know that they can always come back to him.  They do not however want to keep him around for what he ultimately wants.  And what does this “YANKEE GENTLEMAN” want? Well he wants a woman to understand that he is a old fashioned man who will open doors, try to make you feel better about yourself, treat you like a princess, and even listen when to you.  I am a good listener.  He also wants a woman to appreciate him for who he is.  I have my dark secrets and I can mysterious.  I am not perfect by any means but who is you know.  I am a person you want in your corner.  I am a person who will always be there for you. I will dedicate myself to you I will always be there for you if you give me a chance.  But then again it seems like women just want to keep that nice guy around b/e he is comfortable..I am in the friend zone and for the most part that is fine but then there are those times where you want to break out of that zone.  i mean how long can you be in the same place and actually feel comfortable about it.  I am all about improving my life and at this point in my life I know that that i am not at rock bottom nor do i want to be at rock bottom but I do have a lot of potential to move up a few rungs on the food chain.  I do however enjoy the many conversations and connections i have made recently it makes me feel alive and that is a good thing.  I will not stop being positive. I will not stop being ME.  I am a nice guy and you know what I am trying hard not to let my spirit be broken.

ON a lighter side and a Sports note.  My baseball team continues to slip but guess what folks its almost Football Season and my Panthers look like a Contender this year.  Time will tell what will happen but I like the direction this team is starting to take and I believe i might eat my words about the Panthers drafting Cam Newton.  I hope so…He has a lot of upside and the offense is very stacked.  Cant wait for the NFL season to start.  So thanks again for reading this rambling.  have a great day and remember to always smile….That is what I keep telling myself to do anyway…any questions or comments feel free to leave them.

chasing the dream

for a while now i have realized that i have been chasing a dream….my life is not actual reality as more as it is a figment that i chatse.  A house with two kids and woman who loves me for who i am….working a job that i actually love…something to do with sports or even the food service industry….my life confuses and yet inspires me at the same time.  I love myself and and yet at the same time I almost hate myself. I go through life with a huge grin on the outside but on the inside i am hurting. My perception of reality has been warped.  I am a nice guy but i am surrounded by a world of doubt and self appreciation.  I have been told my whole life that nice guys finish last. I refuse to accept this.  I am a nice guy i am a gentleman but i am being walked over in each and every aspect of my life.  I love myself but at the same time i hate myself. why is that? well there are several factors.  but there is not enough time to delve deep into my soul to flesh out the answers for those of you who would actually care to know the real answer or care to actually cross that divide.  what is the purpose of this post? the purpose of this post is to let everyone know that i am still here and yet the battle may be tough and the war may look bleak i am still here.  I am still the same guy and i am have a positive core.  I am a gentleman, i am a doubter  but i am a fighter, I will one day find my one true love, ever if it may be myself because i am destined to be alone, but at least i have found myself in the process…the one thing that i have to do for myself before the end of this year is please myself with something for myself….so a concert is the best alternative to pleasing my self gratification…so if anyone has any ideas on who i should see in the next coming weeks let me know….other than that i am done ranting for the night…thanks to the few lost souls who have stumbled upon my corner of the internet

its time to rant…about what i have no idea….Its Faulkner coming out

so for the time in a while i have the insatiable craving to write about something……not sure what but i feel as if there are a few things that i should get off of my chest… I believe that i am at a crossroads in my life…one that there is no turning back from.  about 3 weeks ago i came across some legal trouble….not going to into much detail but as of this moment in time I do not have my license for a little while.  I know this trouble was eventually bound to happen.  I played too much with fire and tempted myself to be caught.  I blame no one but myself.  however i know that only i can fix the current situation i find myself in.  but enought about the present situation i have placed myself in and into my current mental status.  I have no idea on where i am personally.  My life force has seemed to be sapped based on past relationships.  why is that women seem to take the best of you despite your best efforts to not them do so.  My exs have seemed to what is a good word well maybe castrate my manhood…Its something what a “good woman” can do to your self worth and self  appreciation.  They seem to stick in the back of your head like a piece of corn gets stuck in your teeth and you cant seem to wash it away.  I love all my exes.  I really do but i seem to carry them everywhere with me.  Its like that episode “On How I Met Your Mother” where they have that whole episode about baggage.  I have my own baggage and i have no way to disguise or even attempt to hide the pain that has been registered from these individuals.  Now is this pain all their faults? not alt all….this pain was mutual.  I caused most of it but they helped expedite it along.  So as I attempt to regain my swagger I ask myself ” DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THIS WAY?….and I answer myselft.. I DO NOT…SO let the power of positve thinking overtake me…….I can only make my life positive…to stay negative and not try to evolve is a crime unto my own soul…well enough of my rambling I must begin to turn my life in a positive direction and remember that some people say nice guys finish last….they may but you know I always believe in GOOD KARMA…..So as long as i keep staying positive something GOOD will happen to me

Ficht DIch

well In german I think that means fuck you…at least from my 3 years of the in high school and the 3 weeks i spend over there I think that thats what it means….I send this out to one individual….does not need to be named only identified.  you know who you are.  its like things spiraled into a vortex which i could not control…only you had all the keys and never gave me a spare key….you decided everything and thats fine, but I now feel the need to tell you that I have some keys….after doing a little soul searching I have found that I want to play dirty if you do not play nice…Alimony and loss of job sound nice to me…..I mean yes you were technically married so yes your ex or whatever the hell you want to call him could benefit…..and I know you smoke….so ending your job at one of the biggest retail facilities in the US could be an easy task….oh excuse me do you know that your infants dept. manager smokes pot? or I could just say she smokes crack that would be a better way to get the ball rolling…..

utterly deflated

So I knew this was coming.  I knew that ate some point she was going to say this soon.  I have tried to tone it down, but I cant help the way that I feel.  Yes I know that she has been married and still legally is, but its like she goes through days.  One day she is perfectly content with me and then well the next it seems like some sort of memory or idea will bring up memories about her ex.  or something her grandma will say will make her question what we are doing.  Here is the thing even though I dont like to admit I wear my emotions on my sleeve, she apparently does not like emotions.  I see emotions as making you human.  She does not like emotions.  She is going through changes, but I can not turn off the feelings I have now.  I love her.  I really do and she has said it back now for about the last 3 months, but it seems like something is starting to change.  Like she still does, but at the same she seems afraid or cautious and I know she doesnt want to rush, but she has opened my heart again and its not like I can close it again.  I know this should not all be about me there are two people involved, but in a way I have been through my own “divorce”  granted it may not have been a marriage, but when you are with someone for almost 6 years its not something that you can throw away in a short time, it did take me a while to get over Steps and the pain and depression were great so I understand, but am still confused about one day she can be so hott and the next day its like the freezer has come on.  I want to fix everything for her, but she says thats something she has to do on her own….I will step back, just hope that whenever she is ready I can come back out of my self induced coma.

my anticipation grows

So my anticipation of September 5th has reached new heights.  I am excited but nervous at the same time.  what if she decides that i am not up to her standards.  What if we move too quickly.  This is something I dont want to mess up because of all the past and present potential it presents.  We have a past, but nothing has ever happened.  We have had feelings, but never acted on them till now.  She is still technically married, but she is genuninely interested and well at this time do I just want a lay or am i starting to listen to that little voice in my head that is telling me ” you remember how much you liked her……..”.  See thats the funny thing as a whole.  My sister, who i love dearly, but at the same wish she would just not try to interfere in others emotions told us both when we were younger that we were off limits to each other.  Ashley was my sister’s best friend.  They are not friends anymore. At one point we both liked each other but never really acted on it.  I do remember one night where the two of us plus my sister and my best friend to this day Robin went out to see the fireworks.  I know I flirted with her all night but I think Robin did something or said something and kind “cock-blocked” my intentions.  That was also the night of the famous “baby bearing hips” comment he directed at my sister.  Its funny how Robin could do so many things in one night to irk and piss off so many but he is still my best friend and will be to the day that I die.  He is a great ear to talk to.  but enough about the past and memories and to the future.  I am slowly starting to develop feelings for her.  And I am not sure whethere that is good or bad.  Its like we have picked up where we left off six years ago.  Last night I asked her why she seems so interested.  She said I was on her “bucket list”.  Lol…..but now i have started to stimulate her mind and intrigue her.  We talk on the phone way into the wee hours of the morning.  We have developed a routine and I am getting worried.  I have always been someone who believes that if something is too good something is bound to fuck up.  I dont want anything to mess up.  I am honestly looking at this as a potential life changing experience for the good or the bad.  We have fun.  I dont know how much stock I should put in this but she is an Aries and i am a Taurus.  So we are both strong willed individuals which could make for some fun situations.  I am going into this knowing I am going to gain a FWB, but I wouldnt mind coming out of it with a person to spend time with on a more emotional level. As the days draw near I will have more to say about this all and right up until she gets here I will probably start to spaz becasuse I dont want anything to go wrong.

strike two

so i know noone reads this but i feel the need to bare my sould.  I dont care who reads or who get a hold of this, but for a while i have thought that maybe i had a chance with another woman.  I am engaged and yet there is this girl at work who drives me crazy.  she is beautiful and wonderful and yet she thinks she is something that she is not.  I have had two chance or least two chances in my opinion to get into her pants and yet both times i have balked.  I guess its my morals as someone pointed out.  I know that i could and i know that i would not get in trouble, b/c i do have a get out of jail free card, but i dont know if i am really willing to do that.  It would fuck up alot of shit and i dont know if i really can.  I love stephanie, but damn this girl is something else.  I am not afraid to post this b/c i am pretty sure she does not have this blog and even if she does it all words and well oh well you know i cant help it.  I should have done it the first time and the second time, but both times she has been blitzed.  this time i had a good buzz, but really how could i.  She almost kissed me twice.  I know she wanted me to make the first move.  I should have, but i didnt.  I should have seen what would have happened, but i guess you could say my conscience took over and it prevailed.  is that wrong that i didnt do it? or is it better that i didnt do it.  a good friend told me i did the right thing and a guy friend told me i should have done it.  Lol its funny how different people have different perceptions on things.  oh well more to come as i am taking her out again on tuesday.  the last day i will prolly ever see her………third time the charm?